Updated: Feb 10, 2021
Words can do lasting damage. As we know from tragedies involving social media, bullying isn’t limited to black eyes or stolen lunch money. Thankfully, “sticks and stones” beliefs are finally disappearing as more adults recognize the harm caused by verbal aggression and social exclusion.
In schools, educators work to reduce bullying through awareness, prevention efforts, district policies, and interventions. There is no universally accepted definition for bullying, but generally, it is said to include a real or perceived power imbalance, multiple incidents, and an intent to cause harm. Some experts debate whether bullying should also include “relational aggression” and two of its forms, “peer rejection” and “ostracism” (Zins et al., 2007); depending on the facts, these behaviors may or may not meet bullying policy definitions.
Unfortunately, when anti-bullying programs focus on a narrow definition, adults may miss opportunities to both foster empathy and address harmful behavior – which can negatively affect the learning environment.
What exactly is relational aggression, and how does it impact education?
Relational aggression defined
Relational aggression, or RA, is also referred to as “social bullying,” “friendship bullying,” “covert aggression,” or “female bullying,” though it is not limited to one gender. RA behaviors are intended to hurt another person, and they involve emotional rather than physical harm. In her book Mean Girls Grown Up, Dr. Cheryl Dellasega defines RA as “the use of relationships to hurt another,” or “verbal violence in which words rather than fists inflict damage” (Dellasega, 2005). Dellasega explores short and long-term harm from RA at all ages. Behaviors can include:
manipulation using friendships or other relationships,
excluding an individual from a group,
spreading negative or false information about another person,
deliberately unkind treatment (either in private or in front of others),
criticizing and belittling another (Coloroso, 2008; Dellasega, 2005).
RA behaviors can involve efforts to gain or maintain social control (“queen bee” behavior), avoidance of admitting one’s mistakes, taking credit for others’ work, gossip, reputation damage, and/or negative treatment of an individual perceived as competition, threatening, or inferior (Coloroso, 2008; Dellasega, 2005; Oiker, 2011). Aggressors often exert efforts to look good to perceived superiors and give preferential treatment to beneficial relationships. Barbara Coloroso notes, “devious and manipulative, [the aggressor] can act as if she is a caring and compassionate person, but it is… a tool to get what she wants” (2008). An aggressor may single out only one or a few individuals. The intent and frequency of RA behaviors determine whether they qualify as bullying under an existing definition or policy.
RA can deeply hurt children, and it often involves someone the child had perceived as a trusted friend. Attempts to confront the aggressor may be unsuccessful: as a ninth-grader explained to the author of Odd Girl Out, “‘she’ll turn it around,’ ‘she’ll make it about me,’ or ‘she’ll get everyone on her side’” (Simmons, 2002). Bystanders or “middle bees” may enable or facilitate RA by passing along rumors (Dellasega), or, out of fear or a desire to “fit in,” may fail to speak out against RA behavior (Coloroso).
While it is thought that media exposure may play a causal role (Ostrov, 2013), children can engage in RA at surprisingly young ages: preschoolers have been observed attempting to exclude children from play (Reddy, 2014). Aggressors may suffer from insecurity, or they may observe and learn RA behaviors from other children and adults, including parents. As suggested by the title of one of Coloroso’s chapters, “it runs in the family,” parents may engage (sometimes unknowingly) in psychologically manipulative tactics with their children, may focus heavily on competition, or may model RA behavior toward other adults. Several sources discuss adult RA in the workplace, volunteer organizations, and other groups, including groups connected with schools. An article from the National Education Association notes that children who witness parents “practicing exclusion or manipulation of friends or family members will likely exhibit the same behavior in school” (Ross).
Impact on learning
RA in the school setting can cause the victim to dislike school (Zins et al, 2007), and it can also have an impact on academic performance and future educational options. According to the National Bullying Prevention Center, bullying can result in school avoidance, higher rates of absenteeism, decrease in grades, inability to concentrate, loss of interest in academic achievement, and an increase in dropout rates (PACER, 2015). While research continues on bullying and race, it is thought that bullied Black and Hispanic youth are more likely to suffer academic harm than their white peers (Stopbullying.gov). In some cases, bullying of students with disabilities or other specific differences (race, religion, ethnicity) can trigger the protections of federal civil rights laws. RA occurring outside school, such as in social groups and extracurricular activities, may also impact students in the classroom.
The impact of RA on education is not limited to bullying between children: several sources discuss negative incidents involving some teachers’ treatment of students (Kam; Price, 2015), bullying between parents, treatment of teachers by colleagues or supervisors, and bullying of educators by parents.
Students at risk
Who is most vulnerable to RA? Any child may become a victim, but children with special needs have been targeted by peer bullies more frequently than other children (PACER, 2015). Children identified with gifted needs are also at increased risk of psychological harm from bullying (Medaris, 2006), possibly due to academic and social/emotional differences in the gifted population (Price, 2015; Taibbi, 2012). Students perceived as different in other ways may be at additional risk. Differences can include religion, race, ethnicity, national origin, gender identity, and sexual orientation (SPLC; Stopbullying.gov).
What can educators and parents do?
Simply teaching students to “be kind” is often not enough: for students engaging in RA, the ability to engage in kind behavior is often not the issue. Aggressors can be very kind toward those who benefit them. The deterrent for both aggressors and bystanders involves empathy: students must learn to understand and relate to different perspectives, to feel the suffering of others, and to choose to prevent harm caused by aggressive behavior or inaction.
Part two of this post will explore a few promising (and less promising) strategies for fostering empathy at school and at home. In the meantime, when considering bullying in schools, the first and most important steps in addressing RA may be (a) recognizing the threat RA poses to students’ well-being and learning, and (b) taking a fresh look at how we help our students and children to relate to the feelings and experiences of others.
Because of the increased risks for gifted children, this post is included in the Hoagies’ Gifted Blog Hop on Gifted Social Issues. Contrary to myth, gifted students are not necessarily high achievers, and their needs and characteristics can be misunderstood by peers, parents, educators, and other professionals. For additional resources on gifted children, please visit Hoagies Gifted Education Page.
The Fissure Blog is proud to participate in blog hops from Hoagies! For additional posts, please click on the below image (credit Pamela S. Ryan).
Sources and Additional Reading
Books and articles
Ayer, R. (2014, Dec. 1). UGA study finds it’s mean boys, not mean girls, who rule at school. UGA Today: University of Georgia. http://news.uga.edu/releases/article/uga-study-mean-boys-not-mean-girls-rule-at-school-1214/
Babbel, S. (2011, March 15). Child’s bullying consequence: adult PTSD. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/somatic-psychology/201103/child-bullyings-consequence-adult-ptsd
Coloroso, B. (2008). The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School – How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence. New York: HarperCollins.
Dellasega, C. (2005). Mean Girls Grown Up: Adult Women Who Are Still Queen Bees, Middle Bees, and Afraid-to-Bees. Hoboken, New Jersey: John Wiley and Sons, Inc.
Kam, K. Teachers who bully. WebMD, Health and Parenting. http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/teachers-who-bully
Medaris, K. (2006). Study: Gifted children especially vulnerable to effects of bullying. Purdue University News. http://www.purdue.edu/uns/html4ever/2006/060406.Peterson.bullies.html
Oliker, D. M. (2011, Sept. 3). Bullying in the female world: the hidden aggression behind the innocent smile. Psychology Today: The Long Reach of Childhood. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-long-reach-childhood/201109/bullying-in-the-female-world
Ostrov, J. M. (2013, August). The development of relational aggression: The role of media exposure. Psychological Science Agenda: American Psychological Association. http://www.apa.org/science/about/psa/2013/07-08/relational-aggression.aspx
Peterson, J. S. (2016). Gifted children and Bullying. In M. Neihart, S. I. Pfeiffer, and T. L. Cross (Eds.), The Social and Emotional Development of Gifted Children: What Do We Know? (pp. 131 – 144) (2nd ed.). Waco, TX: Prufrock Press. A service publication of the National Association for Gifted Children.
Price, P. (2015). Gifted, Bullied, Resilient: A Brief Guide for Smart Families. Olympia, WA: Gifted Homeschoolers Press.
Raison, C. (2009, March 21). Can schoolyard bullying lead to PTSD? CNN: Expert Q&A. http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/expert.q.a/03/31/bullying.ptsd.raison/
Reddy, S. (2014, May 26). Little children and already acting mean: children, especially girls, withhold friendship as a weapon; teaching empathy. Wall Street Journal. http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052702304811904579586331803245244
Ross, D. M. Parents’ role in bullying and intervention. National Educational Association. http://www.nea.org/home/56805.htm
Taibbi, C. (2012, Aug. 26). Bullying and the gifted: welcome back to school? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gifted-ed-guru/201208/bullying-and-the-gifted-welcome-back-school
Whitson, S. (2012, Nov. 9). When friendship is used as a weapon: revealing the hidden nature of relational bullying. Huffington Post. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/signe-whitson/girl-bullying-_b_2093158.html
Zins, J. E., Elias, Maurice, J., and Maher, C. A., Eds. (2007). Bullying, Victimization, and Peer Harassment: A Handbook of Prevention and Intervention. Binghamton, NY: Haworth Press.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) (2016, June 8). Safety and children with disabilities: bullying. http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/disabilityandsafety/bullying.html
Hoagies’ Gifted Education Page. Bullies and Bullying. http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/bullies.htm
NoBullying.com. Let’s understand relational aggression. http://nobullying.com/relational-aggression/
PACER, National Bullying Prevention Center: Bullying and harassment of students with disabilities. http://www.pacer.org/bullying/resources/students-with-disabilities/
Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC). Bullying Basics. Teaching Tolerance. http://www.tolerance.org/bullying-basics
Stopbullying.gov. Bullying and youth with disabilities and special health needs. http://www.stopbullying.gov/at-risk/groups/special-needs/
Stopbullying.gov. Considerations for special groups. http://www.stopbullying.gov/at-risk/groups/
The Ophelia Project (organization discontinued, website still available online) http://www.opheliaproject.org/about.html#mission
Gordon, S. (2016, June 17). 8 ways bullying affects gifted students: why gifted students are targeted. Verywell.com: Bullying. https://www.verywell.com/how-bullying-impacts-the-gifted-student-460594
Gifted Homeschoolers Forum Blog Hop: Bullying across the gifted/2e lifespan. http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/blog-hops/bullies-bullying-gifted2e-kids/
Gross, G. (2013, Oct. 3). Girls who bully and the women they learn from. Huffington Post: The Blog. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/girls-who-bully-and-the-women-they-learn-from_b_4034100.html
Trépanier, C. (2014). The burdens of gifted children. http://crushingtallpoppies.com/2014/03/06/the-burdens-of-gifted-children/